Let's start way back at the beginning....I've always been overweight. Since I was too little....which is unfortunate...Things weren't too bad when I was a swimmer and practicing for almost 2 hours a day, 6 times a week. However, once I stopped swimming things got really bad....and I was tormented in school, which of course isn't nice and thus I have some hurt from back then that I still carry with me.... Luckily due to the closing of Geocities most of the photos of me at my worst are now lost to the world....
I lost a ton of weight in grade 12 thanks to a fad diet....so of course once I stopped that it all came back....coupled with first year of university....Frosh 15? I wish...anyways....It was a very very long time before I woke up and started exercising....I didn't notice at the time...but I look back at photos and I'm just shocked at how I looked....So since the start of university I've yo-yo'ed with my weight a lot.
I've lost a LOT of weight this year....finally due to just LOTS of exercising and smart eating...I'm sad to say that it actually surprised me that it's just as simple as that....
Compared to last year I look fantastic.....I fit into clothes I didn't last year...even remotely...and yet I'm STILL not happy....but I SHOULD be...I look FANTASTIC in my wedding dress....I'm normally happy when I wake up and see myself in the mirror...but I still feel like I'm just not good enough....whenever I see photos of myself the first thing I see is fat...and bleh...I hate photos of me....but then I also LOVE them..I think I look AWFUL at my sister's wedding...like HUGE massive bleh.....and in my engagement photos I'm not too happy either...I look OK...but not great....I see a lot of problems....
I guess I'm really worried I'm going to see my wedding photos and just see how fat and gross I am....
I shouldn't be so hard on myself...I mean look at these girls and Sara Ramirez and Brooke Elliott. Gorgeous...and let's not pretend I don't have my own hot modelling shots.
I just don't know why I can't be happy with myself....I'm still excercising....not as much in the summer because it gets hard with things to do and the heat....and eating well has fallen a little by the wayside with the heat and ice cream being nice and refreshing....and my refrigerator being broken for so long didn't help as that left me with dry goods to eat...meaning mostly carbs and eating out...I think I feel like Jabba the Hut and I'm pretty sure that what everyone else sees....that and my biggest fear is ending up like this...
Pretty much terrified...sometimes I feel like I already DO look like this....
I just don't know what to think....I'm not trying to impress ANYONE...except myself...no one is judging me...I'm healthy (for the most part) and I don't feel any pressure....I'm just...not happy...
The worst foe lies within the self.....
i hear ya and feel exactly the same.
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